so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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