I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
