atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
His hands were made for my vagina.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
