Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
