I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
smell my finger.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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