i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
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Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
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It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Couch. On fire.