Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
