so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
