Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
