woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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