Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
