My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
