He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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