Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
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when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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