How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
