my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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