Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
how does that bad decision feel?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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