last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
did you just send me my own nude
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
