i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
