well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
