At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
