so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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