Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
They took my balls.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
