it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
