Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
