I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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