wrigley field is MILF paradise
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
