Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
