Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
