zippers are such a cool invention
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
