bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
