Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
