There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
