My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
