I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
