this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
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