Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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