He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
