you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
