oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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