I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
