my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
