member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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