Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
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He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize