I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
