did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
