i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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