it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
