I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
