I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
