sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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