Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
