Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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