I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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