Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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