I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
