Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
