he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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