Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
