Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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